you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
