Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
