I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
