I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
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