I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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