I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
