I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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