I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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