Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
