More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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