I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
