is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
