Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
