I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
