youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
