I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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