you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i've created a new STD.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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