Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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