onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize