I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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