I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Im part way to drunk.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
