cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
