Soap is not a condiment
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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