Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
