I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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