Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
