$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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