I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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