i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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