Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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