I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
