How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
