rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
two words: eviction party
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
