Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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