I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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