If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize