why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
