You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
