my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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