So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Randomize
