I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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