Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
