WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
