sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
