I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize