im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
