It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
