k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
