when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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