I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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