it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
