this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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