That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
