I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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