rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
