I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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