Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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