So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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