Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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