She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I need to sanitize my soul.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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