Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize