I faked an abortion last night.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
