He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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