I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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