She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
