so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
