Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
