I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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