the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
