wanna go halves on a baby?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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