If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Drunk is a universal language darling
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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