Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
