Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
