If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
