Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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